My fellow Americans, toy-warriors, artists and rebels; I am here before you to announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.

I realize that it is unorthodox for a platic toy who goes by the anonymous moniker of Agent Silver to announce his or her candidacy to a position that s/he may or may not be qualified for; after all, you have no idea if I am even eligible for the office. However, I believe that the time for my candidacy is right. At the present, none of the major candidates in the Presidential race (Bush, Keyes, McCain, Gore or Bradley) are addressing the issues in quite the same way that I am. And if, by some unbelievable combination of bizarre circumstances and sheer luck, I am elected, I promise you as wild a ride as the Clinton administration, without any of that mess with young interns, arms-for-hostages, or sending our youth to die for oil.

Every Presidential candidate needs to have a platform to run on, and I have what I believe is a unique platform that will do the most good for the American people, and for people around the world.

1. If elected, I will vow to eradicate America's enemies. This sounds pretty Jingoistic, and it is. But first, think about who America's enemies really are.
   • Iraqis? Nope...other than that asshole Saddam, most Iraqis are pretty cool people. I would lift the sanctions against Iraq, just cuz I'm that kind of guy, and send Iraq millions of dollars to encourage artwork. Eventually, Saddam will be overthrown once people understand the sheer level of bullshit they've been growing up with.
   • The Chinese? I doubt it, although I can see why they're pissed at us right now. We did, after all, blow up their embassy for crissakes.
   • The Serbians? Get real...
   • The Russians? Actually, they're about to join NATO themselves.

   So what does that leave? Actually, it leaves the most insidious enemy of them all.

   Chexsystems Incorporated.

   Chexsystems has done more to cause strife and ruin on the American people than the Serbians, the Russians, the Chinese and Saddam Hussein combined. I'm not surprised that many of you haven't heard of them; they're one of those companies that you usually dont' know about until you've suffered from dealings with them.

   One contact of mine had accounts worth $3k at Wells Fargo bank, which were closed by Wells Fargo even though his accounts were in good standing. His crime? ChexSystems reported a former account in arrears, for less than $75. He was forced to open another account elsewhere and work off of cash and money orders -- a very expensive and difficult task -- until he got an account with Waterhouse Bank. Although he has cleared up the account with is former bank, ChexSystems will hold the negative report for up to five years, and chances are good that he will be unable to open an account with any other bank until 2005.

   There are thousands of other Americans who have suffered undue hardship at the hands of ChexSystems and the banks they work with. If elected, I promise to mobilize the Marines, the Army, the Air Force, the FBI, CIA, NSA, BATF, DEA, FCC, FTC and Secret Service, to eradicate this scourge on the American people once and for all.

2. If elected, I will give the US Patent Office a good swift kick in the ass.

   The US Patent Office is notorious for approving over-broad and sometimes nonsensical patents for computer algorithms, which in the long run could cause immense damage to the Internet economy. Prime examples are the patents issued to Amazon.com in the last few months. As President, I promise to line up the entire staff of the US Patent Office and issue each and every employee a good swift kick in the ass, by yours truly, Agent Silver.

3. I will fight to strengthen marriage and the family.

   It is obvious that the American family is under attack from all manner of cultural elites, whose vision of American culture is clearly out of phase with mainstream American values. The attack comes from homophobic bigots who have defined marriage narrowly, to mean a union between a man and a woman. This definition drives a wedge between other families, including gay, lesbian and polyamorous families. As President, I promise to extend the definition of marriage to include gay, lesbian, and polyamorous unions. Heterosexual unions will still remain protected under the Law.

   The only rational objection to this plan would come from insurance companies, who would have to spend millions, if not billions, to work out new actuary tables to handle these different definitions of marriage. I will authorize tax breaks for insurance companies to write off these expenses.

4. As President, I will change the national anthem to "America" by Simon and Garfunkel. The Star Spangled Banner is sung to an impossible drinking song for crissakes; and it's not terribly catchy. At least "America" has a nice melody to it. It would also demonstrate to the rest of the world that we as a nation have evolved beyond the usual jingoistic bullshit.

5. As President, I promise to surrender the war on drugs and wage a war on pollution. I will increase the Environmental Protection Agency's budget by 1000% and charge them with the task of enforcing our environmental laws. I will abolish the Drug Enforcement Agency and give the EPA all of the money, power, and personell of the DEA to work with. I will have COPS record videos of the police kicking in the doors of the homes of rich executives of polluting corporations at 4 in the morning, guns drawn, lights flashing everywhere, furniture ripped to bits, civil rights violated, the whole nine yards, as an object lesson to one and all that we will no longer tolerate people dumping shit in the air we breathe, the water we drink, or the land we live on.

6. As President, I will make the world worth living in. I will subsidize street gangs to paint every city and suburb. I will bazooka money into art and poetry. I will set up schollarships for anyone who agrees to spend five years after graduation beautifying the nation with their artwork.

7. More to come!! :)